Again, another busy day!!!  Woke right up at 5 am to pee.  Could not go back to sleep,,,hate when that happens.!!!  Went to the vårdcentralen, did my EKG, they took some blood, some pee, called a washing machine fixer, will cut my hair today and have guest for dinner tonight.  Whew!!!  Lots to do and at the same time, answer my phone from the response to the press release that was sent out.  Am thrilled that things are going well.  Am waiting today for a very important phone call about a very important audition.  Feel like I've won just getting invited!!!  More on that later, maybe...

The weather is boring, but I am a happy woman.  God is smiling on me right now.  I have all of the desires of my heart: love, my children around me, my friends supporting me adn I just KNOW that if I were to play the lottery that I would win right now.  Is a nice feeling after being confronted by so many obstacles for so long.

I was raised in the church and was taught that when you marry, you put yourself under the spiritual covering of the man you choose. Before, I was struggling, sick, mistreated and "unlucky".  That covering is gone now and a new one is keeping me safe.  It is almost tangible.  It is almost better to not be connected at all to a man if he messes with your covering, then at least God can cover you, but I see a very real change happening in the atmosphere.  I feel protected and "lucky" and fulfilled.

I suppose I should go and see what we are going to eat for dinner.  Have no idea what I should fix!!

Miss my baby...

I can see!!!  It's a miracle!!!  Wonderful to be free from the glasses!  Went to the doctor and am apparently not dying tomorrow...FABULOUS!  Lite blood pressure medicine since it's been high for the better part of three years.  Little discussion around how I can relax more and feel better.  Seems to be a frequent discussion these days.  Have no idea how to do that.  Feel people pulling at me and it is not a good feeling.  Am trying to retreat, but I'm not getting any outs or assistance.  Phone calls, phone calls, phone calls.  Most of it is my fault, the others not.  My hope is to get a couple of things in order and then retreat next week and I swear to god, I will turn off my phone and disappear.

Am maybe just exhausted, but in light of my strange health right now, it is not just  "JUST" anymore. 

Had wonderful girl-time with Eva today.  Think we both got energy from each other.  Really adore her and appreciate so much our friendship.  But the phone calls, phone calls during our time.!!!!!!!..had the kiddos not been home alone, I would have turned it off.

Need to clean up again before I handle even MORE business... jeez...am really beat now.

No foot in the neck last night.  He's a big boy now who sleeps properly and yet doesn't snore like a grown man yet...Nice!  Woke up, dreamed a little, then went back to sleep again. Today will be busy.  Will discuss my bloodpressure, get new contact linses (THANK GOD!!!  Am so sick of my glasses now!  I like my freedom!) 

Just wandered off in my thoughts again...  remembered a conversation I had with someone.  I shared heavy duty things...painful things I usually hide with a smile and a bubbly personality.  Am being confronted by my fears of intimacy in a very real way.  Had no idea that they were so hidden.  You know, aside from being excited about a new project and having the opportunity to sing more, the main reason I took the job with Zlips was that I could not look an audience in the eye and be vulnerable in front of them.  I don't know why more than I didn't want them too close to close to me.  You may enjoy the gift, but the gift is separate from me and me you cannot have. I wanted to come over that hurdle and I have after 3 1/2 years become much better about it.  The audience has made me feel safe and loved and I have dared to give more and more of myself.

 I have had the same way of thinking with relationships.  With love.   I have not been able to see love squarely in the eye.  I shared my life, gave children, shared my body, but that part deep down in me was mine and only mine.  I never thought anyone deserved it.  It didn't even seem relevant to give.  No one, quite honestly, required that of me...until now.  They seemed satisfied with the other things I gave.  I camouflaged it well.  I distracted them with bells and whistles,..tried to be a great cook, a loyal partner, a blast in bed...men can be simple creatures, really.  No one EVER complained that they never got that hidden part of me.  They probably never realised that they never got it in the first place.  Who was I cheating, really? 

I know now that it was myself.

He looks at me, doesn't have to speak at all.  In my dreams when I talk to Jesus, we never use our mouths.  We speak from soul to soul...thought to thought.  So it is with him.  He searches my eyes..."Where are you my darling? May I come in?  Why not come out and join me!  I don't want to hurt you just see you, meet you, love you."  He stops everything. Just stares...stares right past my eyes, through the flesh, under the pain, straight to the essence of me.  A myriad of emotions follow me: curiosity, to comfort and then I feel it it physically when he comes to the pain, like a stabbing in my stomach, if I am patient with myself, I meet him in my essence and there is the calm after the storms on the high sea.  It is quiet and calm there, comfortable like when the water is the same temperature as your body.  Feels like you are in the womb again. 

He waits for me until we are there and then he kisses me.  I am safe.  I am home.  He expects nothing less than all of me. 

What the hell did that have to do with bacon??

Absolutely nothing!!  Think I'll shower now...

We have eaten our tacos, sat in the jacuzzi and the big finale so far has been the juicer I got from Du Är Vad Du Äter.  My boys are crazy impressed with this thing and they just bugged me to death to juice something, so I did.  Exciting stuff, right?  The boys got homemade juice and I have made myself fresh ginger and lemon green tea...my favorite!  Now they are choosing films and there is a fire in the fireplace and I am in a happy place.

The phone has been ringing like crazy!!!  I was on the phone, trying to console my dearest little sicko Lillen and my phone just beeped and carried on the whole time. He didn't say anything (such patience!) but then I confessed that I not only sent out an sms to all of my contacts to check out the show, but I ALSO put an ad out on Blocket and between the two, I am just getting blasted with phone calls.  He chuckled and said it was so typical of me to not plan it out properly and just get an idea and roll with it.  I then chuckled because he already sees the pattern.  My God, he sees so much!  Seriously, he must have wondered, What the hell??!!!  It just rang and rang and I just ignored it and ignored it.  Now I'm finished talking to him and the phone is silent...TYPICAL!!!

Despite the chaos and business, I am a little lonesome tonight.  Want to lie in the arms of my man and breathe in his essence.  Close out the rest of the world and sleep peacefully.  Want him to play in my hair and tell me that he will never leave. 

HAHAHA!!!  Just got a picture of reality when my mind carried me away!  Of course two minutes after I laid my head on his shoulders the kids would fight or something would break or somebody would pull somebody's hair and we would look at each other and roll our eyes and save it for another day.  That's reality!  But reality is nice.  Reality is lying under the covers and pretending to be asleep because the kids are watching TV in the living room and verrrrrry subtly groping under the covers so as to seem to be asleep if the  kids were to suddenly pass by.  Nice reality.  Reality is knowing that we only have sunday night for ourselves because one of us had a gig the last three weekends and our date-night was shot and the kids are coming tomorrow, so despite being dog-tired, we buy a bottle or two of wine, eat whatever is in the house, make love in the living room and fall asleep at kl.19:30...just to wake up at 4am and realise that we will never get back on track with our sleep the whole week because of that, but we don't care...we had each other...just each other for a little while.  I love that!  Reality is cool!  Reality is real and real turns me on.  Real, like a tiny little stomach on a man.  Real like the little bit of cellulite I know I had on my otherwise perfect tush when I was 17.  Real like the fear of a fart in the entirely tiled bathroom of a new lover that just echos and magnifies the fart 1000 times!!!  Now I am so old that I just laugh because it is what it is, baby!  Real, like when you planned to go out to the theater with your new friends and 15 minutes before you walk out the door, the kids get a stomach virus and just throw up everywhere.  Not only do you have to clean it up and skip the theater, you have to console the friend's husband who has a bacteria phobia.  But in the end you put the kids to bed, sit in the bubbelpool and have more fun than you would at the theater.  Reality is nice!

Wish he was here...

Tonight's reality is that one of my kids will be sharing my monstrous bed with me because there are only 3 beds in their room.  I will probably get a foot on the side of my neck.  I will lie there and wonder what he is doing.  If he misses me.  I will put my phone on vibrate and hide it under the bäddmadrass so that I will feel it in the event the that he texts me.  I will reread sms's and relive every moment I can.  I will ball up my super fat täcke in the form of a body and I will drape my leg over it and pretend that it's warm.

Right now it's cartoons that they are focused on.  They are a bit older and self contained, so this will be a breeze.  The plan?  Guitar Heron and Jacuzzi...nice...I love Guitar Hero!

Kind of wish I had a grown up to talk to though.  Don't know if it is embarassing or cool to be chummy with the friends. 

While out buying food, I ran across a friend of the kid's dad.  He's American.  Roland has a stronger need to have american friends than what I have.  I never even think about it, but am always happy when I meet one.  Is nice to speak freely in your native tongue.  Otherwise, I feel a constant pressure to be respectful and speak swedish.  Anyway, his name is Abel and he is from one of the Carolinas (which is very close to georgia...my home state).  He has a southern politeness about him.  He ran right out, grabbed my groceries and carried them to the car.  I just loved that!!!!  I have seen him around from time to time.  He or the children recognise one another.  I couldn't pick him out of a line up.  Sometimes, I am just in my world and don't see anyone.  We greet each other and spend 5 minutes having small talk, but today I asked him where he lived, if he had children, did he move here to be with a swedish woman.  He was quick to point out that he was single.  Doesn't make a difference to me seeing as how I have the hottest, smartest, sexiest, most gifted man at my disposal now, but is good to know where the heirarchy is if the kids were to meet sometime.  We exchanged numbers and I thanked him for the help with the groceries.  I invited his son also, but it was apparently not his week with his son.  Think how fun it would have been to have a grown up to talk to tonight that was american??!!  Sounds like fun in my world anyway.  The kids don't socialise when they are with me very much and I feel badly about that.

Just got an idea to have a Du är vad du Äter party here on thursday...Will start sms'ing...

I am very lucky to have two, wonderful boys.  When I was young and imagined myself with children, I always saw myself with boys.  I grew up with a brother, all of my cousins were boys and all of my neighbors were boys as well, except for one girl who I didn't like very much.  I am happy being around boys.  I love how they think, find them amazing and appreciate their way of dealing with things.  All that said, I can still f***up a relationship with the best of them and I find myself scratching my head over their logic sometimes, but on the whole, I love boys.

When I was around 20 years old, I had major pain with my periods and the doctors said that I had endomitriosis.  If I understand it correctly, your uterus produces scartissue and this causes pain and infertility.  They informed me young that I probably would have difficulty becoming pregnant and they put me on birth control pills to help with the pain.  I met Roland and we had a quick courtship and married in Vegas.  I noticed that my boobs were AMAZING but didn't complain or notice anything.  I never kept track of periods, what was the point??  But when I got home, the boobs kept growing and I couldn't remember the last time I had had a period, so I went to the doctor.  I was 2 months pregnant and 23 years old.  I was thrilled!  Roland had a good job at Coca-Cola, we had a nice house outside of atlanta and really good insurance.  No problems.  While pregnant, I had glorious dreams and discussions with God and I found the whole experience to be very spiritual and wonderful.  Paul came two weeks early by C-section and he was beautiful and loved and celebrated as the first grandchild on both sides of the family.  He was calm.  Easy to care for and when he ate at my breast, he looked up at me as though I were the most wonderful, beautiful sight he had ever seen.  I was so in love and still am.  He has always been his mother's child and still looks at me with the same loving eyes.

Now that he is nearly 12, his personality is still calm, responsible, smart, extremely thoughtful of other people and their feelings, sentimental, artistic (he would rather draw and paint than watch TV) and he is extremely gifted at it.  (His father is an artist by trade and I dabble on a hobby level).  He is musical and can play the piano by ear.  He has never been particularly sick or given me any other sort of heart attack in any way.  He has been nothing but pure joy to me and I am honored to be his mother.

So after realising that I could get pregnant easier than the doctors lead on, I became more aggressive in finding a new birth control method.  I paid like 5000:- for an IUD (eller Spiral)...4 months later, I had awesome boobs again.  This can't be happening!!!  Paul was only 1 year old!  I went to the doctor and sure enough, 2 months pregnant again!!!!  I was pissed and said that I wanted my money back for the IUD and he just laughed at me (loved that doctor..he was hot!).  He asked what I wanted to do?  Did I want the child? Did we need to discuss abortion or some other alternative?  The thought insulted me.  I have always been against abortion, when someone's life is not in danger, so that option never popped into my mind.  I did, however, feel that I was very young for this amount of responsibility and was scared that I wouldn't do a good job.  The next obstacle was to take out the IUD without harming the baby.  This was a challenge and took three different DR. visits to make happen.  They warned me that the baby might not survive and I was prepared for the worst, but Jacob is a tough guy and survived that round. 

Then I got sick.  The lymph nodes around my entire body swelled up and I must have gotten 5 different antibiotics and nothing made the infection go away.  But just before I got sick, something very odd happened to me.  I have always been a bit psychic or intuitive and have had a number of unexplanable  happenings in my life which I may or may not go in to at some point, but this night was interesting.

I woke up in the middle of the night and felt a powerfully evil presence in the room.  I heard a voice say to me, !I'm going to kill you and that baby you are carrying!"  Something very bold rose up in me and I spoke to the voice, "You cannot kill me!  God's hand is on me and my baby!"  And the presence left.  I was startled by this, but went to sleep.  Now this is a true story, though it is really quite remarkable!!  After I fell asleep, I had a dream that the devil shot me 5 times with a gun and the bullets were inbedded in my body.  I called a doctor who had coal-black hair and told him that he needed to operate on me.  He told me that there wasn't any point.  That people with my injuries die and I yelled at him that God's hand was on me and that I was going to live!!!  He took out the bullets and I lived.

Like I said, after that I became sick...very sick and nothing was helping get well.  I went through my whole pregnancy with Jacob feeling like crap, except at night.  During the summer, I dreamed every night for 3 months that I was moving to europe...(that's another story).  I got a kidney stone on top of everything else and went to the hospital.  My pain was unbearable!!!I didn't know the difference between contractions and kidney stone pain, it just all flowed together like miserable nightmare.  The hospital read some tests and then suddenly, 6 people rushed into my room and said they were taking the baby right away.  The Apgar test showed that JAcob was a 2, (0 is a dead child and 10 is living and very very healthy).  I was terrified, but delirious.  I just remember a black woman massaging my arms and praying for me and the baby.  They wheeled me away and once I was doped up and the pain was gone, my humor came back and I joked with the doctors.  Jacob was born very dramatically and they took him to Intensive Care right away.  I didn't get a very good look at him.  Just saw a mountain of black hair. 

The commotion died down and the next morning, I begged to see him.  They tried to talk me out of it but due to all of the drama, I insisted that I see him.  They tried to wheel me down but I threw up and couldn't continue.  I cried all the way back to me room and really felt terrible.  The day after that I was well enough to see him.  He was 5 weeks premature and had tons of wires all over him.  He was lying there in this sterile environment, no blanket, no love, no me.  I cried at how pitiful he looked and begged God to make him better.  (I feel the tears coming now while remembering!!!)  He drank from a bottle (he never took to my breast after so many days with the bottle.  I had to pump for him...Felt like a friggin cow!!).  I even left the hospital without him.  I have never felt an emptiness like I did that day, leaving the hospital but withotu your baby....I think about all of the parents who leave the hospital emptyhanded and never get to go back and pick them up later like I did.  A heartbreaking thought.

Eventually, Jake came home.  The house was in boxes due to our moving to sweden and there was just chaos all around.  A week after I came home, the lymph nodes swelled up again.  I was still sick, but this time I was hysterical!!!  I went to the doctor and demanded that he figure out what was wrong with me.  By this time, I was convinced it was something serious...cancer or whatever, but I insisted on proper care and he knew I was serious.  He sent me to a specialist.  The specialist had coal--black hair, which I remembered from my dream.  He was softspoken, ran some tests and then sat with me with a very serious tone.  He said to me very matter-of-factly, You are a very sick girl.  We are going to have to operate on you right away.  You have 5 kidney stones which have blocked the urine tube and the infection has gone back up into your body and poisoned you.  If we don't take out those stones you will die.  As a matter of fact, I can't believe that you walked in here by yourself.  The last person I met as sick as you, died.  I cried from gratitude!!  My instincts were right.  Someone listened!  Someone cared!!!  I was operated on and the 5 "bullets" were removed!  I got better.  Had one more kidney stone surgery and then moved to sweden. 

With illness and drama and moving overseas, the pressure of having two children under the age of 3 was to say the least, trying for me at the age of 26.  I had to become strong and independent quickly.  I had to grow up fast and many days, I cracked under the pressure.  I also had trouble bonding with Jacob.  He preferred his father right away and acted as though I were in the way.  Jake has always been a man's man...a little macho, likes sports and his electric guitar and I could not reach him.  I tried, but he was difficult, cried constantly, never flowed with me like Paul did.  He was born with a hot temperment and was angry, demanding and hated me.  I wondered how it was possible to give birth to a child who didn't like you.  Don't all children love their mothers??  I didn't know what to do to help the bonding.  I noticed that Roland resented me more and more because I had so much of a problem bonding with him. 

One day, I sat with Jacob on my lap.  He didn't want to sit there. He wanted his father. I forced him to sit there and I searched in his big brown eyes for something...anything.  I silently prayed that God would help me find this child...make him my own more than just by birth.  I started to sing the Itsy, Bitsy, Spider song over and over and over and over.  We did the little hand gestures and suddenly, he began to laugh.  This took a long time and I pressed through, pressed through and suddenly, inexplicably we founf each other.  I suddenly saw love in his eyes for me and I cried from joy.  Like a spirit, the bonding fell on us like a cloud and miraculously, we were together as Paul and I had been from the start and it has been tight ever since.

Jacob is very much like me...the male side of me:competitive, insecure, driven, smart, experiences fear as anger and can really get pissed off if you push him.  HIs brother doesn't push him.  Paul is a peace maker.  Jake has mood swings and when he is happy, he is completely contagious!!  His laugh is the best laugh I know of.  I love his passion and drive and he is now very affectionate...has been from the moment I sang for him.

I felt alot of guilt about the fact that nearly a year went by without our bonding on that very special level.  Myabe I was too wrapped up in myself with the illnesses, the move and the stress of getting used to a new country.  I wads quite honestly, annoyed with God...I wanted a another child eventually, but I really did all I could to wait until I was better equipt and I felt He really screwed on that.  Everything had been easier with only one easy child like I had, but there were obviously lessons to be learned and I hope that I have learned them.

Now they will be 12 and 10 in november.  They are the single most joy-giving sources in my life and I am so grateful to be their mother.  People tell me that they are polite and well-raised and I give a lot of credit to their father for that.  He has been a wonderful dad to them and a greta helpmate to me, even now as divorced.  I am very lucky to have had my children with him.  He is all I asked God to give me as the father of my children.  That we became like brother and sister after the move to sweden is really nobody's fault, I think.  But I take the blame for that too.  Perhaps I am not good at being married.  I swore it off after that, but now suddenly, I am opening more and more to that.  I love being a family, but being married has been an experience of feeling shackled.  Roland was never controlling in that way, but I just like the idea of being together because you WANT to be together and not because society puts you in a cage with ít...

...another conversation..

Anyway, if you met them, you would love them.  I sure do!

Last night in Skelleftehamn, I could hardly concentrate on my job.  I was so excited for Scotts that my mind was there with them, rooting for them, being their cheerleader.  I took my phone with me and checked it after every dance for an update. Wonderful, beautiful Lillen kept me updated and I was so grateful that he did.  Anyone would have understood if he turned off his phone and didn't answer it until monday, but I had the honor of sharing in his moment and I was so proud and grateful.  The first message said that "Date åkte ut efter första låten".  NO WAY!!!!!  I was shocked to say the least.  I was certain that they would share that night with Scotts and my heart absolutely broke for them..  I mean, seriously.  Lillen and I were in agreement that had that happened to us, we would say Tack and Adjö and get the hell out of dodge.  Not because of what other people thought, but because it would feel like a mockery to musicality. 

Date, we love you!!!

So I watched the clock like a hawk and around 10 pm, I had not recieved an sms.  I thought, no news is good news and then suddenly an MMS popped up with the victory picture!  I was thrilled and jumped up and down.  Then I could relax and I knew Lillen and the guys were reveling in their glory and I continued with a smile on my face and really enjoyed the gig.  Afterwards, I asked Lillen for the play by play on everything that happened.  Is so cool to be able to share that with him.  I ask a million questions, What are you wearing, What's the strategy?  How did you feel?  Who said what and he patiently and excitedly answered all of my questions.

Anyway, Kudos to Scotts again!  I'm proud of you and enjoying your success as though it were my own.  This is a little ironic because at O-viksmaran, I REALLY put my foot in my mouth and made a total ASS out of myself in front of them.  I swear to God, I need to learn a little bit about finesse and charm...

We were sitting and having a snack while Perikles was playing.  I had no idea that Scotts was in the contest.  They were talking about us being in it and asked which week we would be there.  Just prior that week, a film crew had been at my house filming a piece and they said to me that I was at the end with the big name bands.  This stuck in my head and when the Scott-ers asked when we were playing, I said, "We're playing towards the end with the bigger bands!"  (God, I'm such an a***even now thinking about it, I just want to melt into the ground...).  The Scott-ers looked insulted and then I realised that they were going to be in the program as well.  I asked if they were.  They said yes, I ask, "Which week?"  They say, The first week.  My god!!!!!!  Have you ever had that moment where you say something so completely stupid that you try to make up for it and you just dig a deeper hole and you get more and more pathetic for every sound that is uttered?  Well, that was me and they have teased me for that (deservingly) and that Lillen could see through that enough to reach out to me, makes me very happy, but he is a seeing man.  He sees even clearer without his eyeglasses.

So back to Skelleftehamn...

Norrland is not known to be the clappenest place on the planet, but you do get their eyes and that means alot to me.  I felt this weekend that I sang very well.  Was a nice feeling because I don't believe that I have sung well for about 4 months or so.  My best friend came back to visit me again and I had missed her.  It is so much more fun to be onstage when you don't have to think about technique constantly.  It is just there and you open your mouth and glorious sounds come out so effortlessly.  Sounds cocky, I would imagine, for me to say that.  But sometimes I sing and sometimes God sings and I just get to go along for the ride.  It is much more fun for God to sing because then it stops being about me and working so hard and starts being more about what He wants to say and suddenly, there is meaning in everything.

My gorgeous boys are coming home tomorrow.  They have höstlov and I have no jobs booked until friday.  I plan to take them to the movies and maybe let them have friends over to spend the night.  Will be fun.

I must say that last night's maran was the best I have ever experienced.  The bands we were with, Wahlströms and Jannez work well with our repertoire and they are soooo wonderful to work with.  Had too much fun flirting with Tobias and Per, our new guitarist, makes me laugh more and more.  What a chemistry we have together and I am thrilled that he is with us.  The audience was AMAZING and gave me so much energy that I just wanted to pour it out like annointing oil on the heads of everyone out there.  It is also really fun, if I may be so honest, to be the only girl onstage.  The dynamic changes just because I am a woman and I can be as outrageous as I want.  There was wonderful eye contact from the audience and we really felt in sync with each other.

As I mentioned earlier, Dagens Nyheter came out to do a story about us and that should be coming out either the last sunday in november or the next to last.  Was honored that they chose us.

I found in my bag a face covering that I had purchased in Egypt once.  I thought it was sexy:  picture this...sexy lingerie, high heels and a burque covering just the face.  Like an oriental seductress.  Anyway, I thought it was really cool and tried it on when Robban and I were together.  He got scared as hell and made me swear to never put it on again.  So I hid it in the closet and when I was cleaning it out, I found it and stuck it in my bag.  I took it out last night and the zlips guys didn't seem very impressed and obviously did not produce the effect I thought it would.  They thought it was a bit scary too.  (so odd), but on the other hand TOBIAS thought it was hot!  He totally got it and then I started to think I wasn't a freak after all.  Will have to try it with my new man and see what he thinks.

In Egypt, I tried on a full chador, the complete covering you find muslim women wearing.  I was curious as to how I would look.  It was frightening.  I forget that I am half persian sometimes and when I am made up or dressed in this type of clothing, I see my heritage so clearly.  How would life be for me if I had been raised in Iran and not the United States?  I have still not figured out why my reflection disturbed me so because I have, of course, no prejudices and even think the coverings are beautiful.  I painted a picture of a woman from Afghanistan who was wearing the face covering.  It was so beautifully sewn and intricately designed and it occurred to me that one can cover up a woman, but who she is will inevitably shine through to the surface.  This woman was not allowed to wear makeup, but her makeup and artistic soul shined through anyway.  I found the picture compelling and painted it.  I think it is a good metaphor for womankind.

So now we're headed to Skellefteåhamn. (I think).  We have stopped here, in what I believe is Umeå and the guys are sleeping.  I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep.  Guess I'll go lie down and rest a bit.

Wonder how he is...

Lot's of people.  A great audience...for that place.  Is not known to be a clap-happy joint, but they were in a good mood and so was I.

It was great seeing the guys.  It's nice to have a break from anything once in a while, but I miss them while we're gone and I was happy to update them on the past week's developments.  They laughed like hell...were curious...sometimes made jokes at my expense, but I just laughed with them.  I mean, it WAS funny!  I really have missed them!


The headaches keep trying to raise their ugly heads, but I SWEAR TO GOD that I am not doing anything to provoke them.  ;-)  I am saving my pills for a special someone.  Jeez...what  a life!  Strange changes in barometric pressure also cause them for me and the fall weather is not helping things.

Can't wait until the next gig... Is all I can think about.  The next gig.  The next gig.

Speaking of gigs, tonight we have H-diks Maran and we play with Jannez and Wahlströms.  I love nonstops, despite the fact that I sing worse than at a regular gig, but I have so much fun that I don't care.  The long wait between passes play havoc on my vocals cords...warm, cold, warm, cold and by 2am, I'm pretty tired and just want to go to bed.  I have my favorite people in every band.  In Wahlströms, I like Tobias.  He is calm and confident and has beautiful eyes and a warm personality.  He is also a fantastic keyboard player.  In Jannez, I like P-O.  He is quiet and secretive and you wonder what is behind his eyes.  He likes to read deckare and though I hate that sort of reading, I always ask him about what he is currently reading just to see his eyes light up.  Kjelle is a funny story-teller and it is impossible to feel ugly in his presence.  That is a gift!  Let's see, other bands...Bhonus----love Magnus, he has the total package.  Perikles - Pex...he's hilarious.Blender - Maria, she is a beautiful little bird you want to take care of and shelter from the world. She's funny, strong, gorgeous and honest.  Love her!  Shake - Love Peppe and Christine - they do their own thing and I have a lot of respect for them.  Scotts - Lillen...He's got it all, He's got it all, he's got it all, especially me.  Highlights - Andreas, he's fun, honest, vulnerable and beautiful.  Maguns in Kindbergs - One of the most wonderful people I have ever met.  Impossible to feel bad about yourself with him.  He is a gift.  Jocke - Kindbergs, snygg, humble, the voice of god and just nice all the way down to his toes...

Anyway, time to get to work now.  Gotta unload the bus.

Peace, love and hair grease!

Here we are again.  The winter season is upon us with our fall debut at Aveny.  This place is either really fun or really boring.  You never know what to expect, but the staff is nice, the food decent and I am itching to sing in front of an audience.  Any audience.

My head is still messed up.  Maybe worse.  I am being treated so well and I am so unused to being treated well that it frightens me, but I refuse to run.  Am learning so much about myself.  Realising how beaten down I have been and how long I have avoided direct eye contact.  Eye contact that goes right to the soul and refuses to accept less than that from me.  I am saddened to realise that I have never shared that with someone until now.  I have always kept that part of myself to myself.  If someone searched for it, I would refuse their entrance and distract them in another direction.  Now I am letting go and daring to meet the searching.  It hurts.  It's uncomfortable.  It's unnatural.  It's frightening.  It's the most wonderful thing I have ever been a part of and I am terrified.  No one has challenged me in this way.  No one was worth my soul, but bit by bit, I am letting go.

My stomach is a bundle of nerves.  When is the next sms? What will he say?  Where is our next stop on this journey?

Better get back to the guys before they get annoyed with me...

My washing mashine broke and I bought another used...you may remember...It got connected and guess what, it doesn't work.  Now I have 3 washing machines and no clean clothes...DAMN!  Am not happy about it.  Another irritating thing...You know the little drawer in the kitchen that holds the silverware?  It sometimes gets stuck because something is sticking up in the way, but it is usually easy and quicjly fixed, but noooooot this time.  I can't get the doggone thing opened to saved my life.  So I left it and used silverware that doesn't match...(Isn't that stupid? My mom was always picky about having everything matching and proper and I have inherited that. )

On a more positive note... Today is going to be my lucky day.  Going to work extra a bit and am soooo looking forward to it.  Is itching in my fingers...

The house STILL looks like a tornado hit it, but there has been definite progress made.  My washing machine broke...not cool.  I spent like 5000:- sek on a new one 2 years and 2 months ago and now the warranty is kaput and it will cost more to fix it than to buy another one.  I have always bought these things second hand until this last time and now I know I will not waste my money like that again.  Let's hope that the Blocket one works.  I have 2 mountains of clothes to wash and am left with only reject panties in my drawer to wear. Eeeewwww....

I try to  pick up misc. crap as I go along, but I really don't have the energy.  The little energy I have left is used to care for the kiddos and dreeeeeeaaaaaammmmmm.  I picked up my pills from the apotek...they only cost 21:-.  Gotta love Sweden for that! The däck is changed on the car.  Good things are happening!  I have had alot of support during this time and it has meant a great deal to me.  It really, REALLY has meant the world to me.

I need to color my hair still. Get the washer going. And sleep, sleeeeeeeeeep!  My gorgeous boys are coming home soon.  Will dream and rest on the couch a minute before they get here.  Am enjoying the solitude right now.  I only hear the rain.

...and you know I love the rain.

You know, I have been complaining about these pesky little headaches and I even called them "weird" and said that they came at "weird" times and I was not really specific about any of this because I thought it was, to say the least, embarrassing...Now, it's just damned comical!

I have never really been a migraine sufferer until I entered my 30's.  They came like a unwelcome guest, along with the gray hairs and just sat at my kitchen table and wouldn't leave.  They usually come when I have slept too little or just not taken care of myself properly, but suddenly they took a strange turn.  I noticed that in my most precious and intimate of moments, when one is just hovering on the brink of slamming that home run, the growing headache that I had ignored along the way suddenly feels as if my entire head is about to explode from my body!  It pulses and hurts all over and despite my stubborness and willingness to ignore it, I just can't and I have to breathe and relax and try to pick up where I left off a little later.  You can imagine my frustration!  On a particularly productive day, I can feel like I am dying and it takes several hours for my system to get back in sync and for the pain to stop.  Well, the last good day I had was apparently the last straw for my poor head and I pushed myself to the limit and stubbornly claimed what was mine.  The migraine came and would not leave me.  I used every migraine medicine that has ever worked before and the pain just got worse and worse.  I had to leave my gig yesterday, feeling like a jerk, but I was near the vomiting point then and had no choice.

At dinner the pain got worse and I was running out of options.  I thought about my dad who had gotten a headache one day, the blood vessels burst in his head and he was dead within 48 hours and I got really scared!  I looked online to see if there was a correlation between orgasms and migraines and apparently there was a condition called Benign Orgasmic Migraine and they warned that in certain cases, what happened to my dad could happen to those sufferers as well.  I went directly to the hospital in Huddinge.

I walked in, get checked in and was told to go to Neurology.  I answer the standard questions and then the guy asks me, "So what happened when the headache came?  What caused it?"  I was silent and looked around and there people standing there, acting like they weren't paying attention, but I was SURE that their ears would perk up when I explained.  I took a big gulp and said in the lowest possible voice I could muster, "I was having an orgasm."  He tried to look cool and did a pretty good job, but then he pushed me, "Did that happen just the one time or has it happened before?"  What did he want me to say??!!  "Eh hmmm...yes sir, it happened actually 20 times last week....You could say it was a good week."  I'm kidding of course, but my GOD I was really embarrased and felt like the biggest freak on the planet!

I was there for 9 hours or so and they did a CT scan and took fluid from my spine (which was a horrible procedure) and luckily, my brain is in the same decrepit shape it was in before...no further damage was done and that was a relief, but I did get the diagnosis and now I am instructed to take a pill 1 hour or so before I believe there will be kickoff.  This is funny to me because I remember a Seinfeld episode where Elaine had only a few controceptive sponges left and they had been discontinued...you couldn't buy any more and she would go out with a guy and try to decide if he was "sponge-worthy".  Am I going to have to decide if certain episodes are "pill-worthy"?  What happens if I only have 3 pills left and I can't sleep one night and I know I'm meeting my big daddy in a week?  Do I just stay up all night or what? Is the vårdcentralen going to cut me off after a certain amount of pills?  Will they roll their eyes and moan as if to say, "Not YOU again??!!  Didn't we just fill that perscription???"

Anyway, this kind of s***could only happen to me!!!  The Doc said that this condition was rare for women and usually is seen in men.  Why me, then? 

I'm taking the day off....in alot of ways.

Woke up with the same headache I went to sleep with.  Weird headaches popping up at weird times and I have no idea where they are coming from.  800mg of Ipren is not doing the trick, so it must be migraine related. 

Doesn't matter...I'm in a great mood.  My mind and body are alive and in good form and I am happy.  Really happy!

Mentally, I am gone.  Completely consumed by thoughts of love and passion and smiles and eyes and warm skin and laughs and sweat and finally being understood.  Bills..., what bills?  Job, ---what job?  Have to remind myself to eat because all I am thinking of is my next fix...it's coming soon, coming soon, but not nearly soon enough.

Jake is sick.  He moped and whined and looked pitiful all day yesterday and woke up with the same pitiful look on his face today, so he is home.  Paul has been dropped off now and the morning is quiet.

I love the rain.

Think I'll go back to bed and just think of him, think of him.  Seems to be my favorite sport right now.

Interesting comments on backtracks have shown up after the first show of Dansbandskampen.  I was on the dancefloor with one of my little men, shouting like 15 year old groupie for Scotts when I heard Anna Morou make a comment about backtracks.  Funny thing happened at just that moment ...about 30 people turned and looked at me as if Zlips was the King Of Backtracks!  I found this humorous and put my glasses on crooked and played along with that, Yes we have backtracks too and I was listening.  They all laughed and appreciated my "självdistans" and we went back to the comments.  At the time, it seemed like just a comment, but apparently one of the bands, who shall remain nameless, threw up the fact that Scotts and another band had had them, as if that gave them a lead.  This is rediculous bullshit!  For one thing, backtracks usually sound pretty crappy and are only used to spice up whatever you are doing live.  It can never replace a live musician!  That's like saying a blow-up doll replaces a real girlfriend!  This other band who complained of this had double the amount of musicians and this means that they had  double the potential to blow Scotts and everyone else out of the water,

...but ...they...didn't. 

You can only get mad at yourself! Real musicians, like real grown ups,  get back in the studio, polish up their game, take responsibility for their own product and do not blame others.  There were some that had cute concepts, but a completely dead look in their eyes, as though they have never known love or sorrow or extasy or pain a single day in their life.

Singers are not just singers and artists are not just artists, They are mouth pieces for the plights and feelings of all of us.  We relate to those who know our pain, joy, etc...

Now when it comes to backtracks as far as Zlips is concerned, I am not opposed to it.  We have about 5 songs of 70 or so that have them.  Doesn't bother me in the least and I do not feel for 1 second that we are "cheating".  The 2 songs that we have so far in Dansbandkampen will, as far as I know, NOT have any backtracks help, but I could care less if we did. 

I have worked every vacation for the last year and a half.  Is tough being the sole financial provider here in stockholm.  The interest rates suck and I have said Yes to nearly every job I have been offered.  I have a good work ethic so it usually doesn't bother me but I feel more and more that now is the time to be more selfish and I am being better about demanding time for myself and the boys.

Last spring, I said, Once the summer is over, life will be calm again and then summer comes and goes and and then I say, Next Week, Next Week and then next week comes and goes as well.  Well, this time I. Need.Time.  I have filmed for Du är vad du äter (unbelievable experience!!!  Am so in love with the team I had and when they called last week I told them how much I miss them and wished we had another project.  They told me that I was their favorite deltagare ever and that I looked so pretty when they were cutting the footage...it really doesn't suck hearing things like that!)....but still the filming in the middle of summer tours was challenging to put together.  I worked extra a little at the bed store, but now it seems that voice over projects are popping up.  I had a tiny gig last friday which will hopefully produce more jobs and then next week I will be dubbing a swedish långfilm that was taped in english.  They need convincing american accents and I am grateful for the gig. 

I did get an extremely generous offer to go to Malta last week and I gratefully took it.  It was wonderful and warm and I laughed and explored and drank champagne and ate lobster and swam naked in a cave and was basically spoiled rotten for 4 days.  I can't remember when I was pampered so well last. I love spontaneous adventures and at night I dreamed wonderful, free-spirited dreams. 

So today, it is raining and I looooove rainy days.  The kids asked what we were going to do and I said we were going to learn to do nothing.  Jacob replied flatly that Nothing was Boring.  He amuses me.  Anyway, I have my cup of tea and a large degree of harmony in my soul....despite the flashes of romantic longing for a certain someone, but I have beautiful pictures in my mind and lose myself in thought between sips of tea.