Am leaving for my tour a day early in order to spend a little time witth L.  Otherwise I don't think we'll see each other for two weeks.   I hope it won't be that long, but I don't see it happening before that.  The long distance thing sucks.  I mean, really sucks.  One good side tof it is that it is always special, but I think that it would be even if we saw each other every day.

Have had a good week with the kids.  They were such angels last night at Eva and Odd's.  They are always such angels.  They talked about how life is at their dad's.  They asked me a crazy question.  Should we eat before we get there?  No, I said.  We are having dinner there.  Dad always makes us eat before we go to a party and tells us to eat 2 very small portions when we are there.  We get invited places, but always leave hungry otherwise.  I said, That is rediculous!  If you can't eat until you are full at your friend's house, what is the point of inviting people for dinner??!!  That's how it always is at dad's and he makes us eat with a knife regardless of whether or not we want to use it.  I like eating at our house because you don't have to take a knife if you are not going to use it.  We can eat when we want to and not a certain way.  I know that their dad hangs around in more "exclusive" circles than what I do.  He's always been a little like that.  That is one of the things that annoyed me.  He seemed to be surrounded by snobs and I am just not comfortable and do not enjoy situations where I have to behave or be someone else.  I think I have decent manners, but for God's sake, nobody leaves my house hungry at a dinner party.  Is the most absurd thing I have ever heard.  Please don't get offended mom, but life at dad's is more sophisticated.  I was quiet because I couldn't decide if I was happy about that or not.  Did I offend you? jacob asks.  No, of course not.  Maybe it's good that daddy teaches you to be in those kind of circles, but sometimes you need to learn to be a bit downtoearth.  Everything doesn't have to be and should be so sophisticated all the time.

I think about how Lillen and I ate lasagne off of one plate and 2 forks and shared the only glass in his hotel room in order to have a little wine.  I wouldn't want my kids to be so uptight that they can't appreciate how cosy that can be, but it is good that their dad is taking care of that end of it.  It is important to know how to behave in certain environments, but balance is the key.  I am really not sophisticated in that way.  I hate pretention.  I love luxury, but hate pretention.  I 'm the type of girl who would order take-out from café opera and then buy a box of wine and eat it in the living room floor while watching tv.  I enjoy quality, but I have it only for myself, never in order to be seen.  That would make Roland crazy!  Hahahaha!

We had a great time at their party, though.

Had a wonderful conversation with him last night.  I shared all of my thoughts and insecurities and he met me with patience, love and understanding...am continually impressed by how mature and  and fair he is in his thinking.  If it is possible for the heart to swell up even more from love and respect, it has.  Could have never had this discussion with Robban.  He would have flipped out.

As though there wasn't enough going on yesterday...

Jacob asked for him yesterday, Robban.  He said he missed him and couldn't we invite him over for dinner.  I understand how he is thinking and feeling.  His father and I are friends and meet socially despite being broken up.  Why shouldn't it be the same with Robban?  I tried to explain to him that that was not possible.  That it would be uncomfortable, but I was pretty sure that Robban might appreciate a phone call from him and if he wanted to, he could call him.

I think that it's pretty crappy that a man who has no rights to your children, but has loved and been with them for years, has no access once you break up.  My kids are getting used to the idea of a second man in their life since their father.  In my head, it is only natural that they would have conflicting thoughts about this transition and need to deal with this in their own way and tempo.  It is for that reason that I think it would be helpful to Jacob to find a peace about going forward and I will not stop him from calling Robban.  I think Robban would understand this and help him as much as he can.  I'm just not sure where Robban is in all of this.  It could be too painful, his talking to Jacob.  Jeez... I have no idea really how to handle this...Will just try to keep an open dialogue with Jacob and try to plan some fun things with Lillen and the kids.  I can really understand if the kids feel disloyal.  These are the backsides to having been divorced.  When does flexibility become confusing?  Should one just cut it off for the kids' sake?  That seems cruel to me, but is it kind in the end?  I wasn't able to just cut it off with Robban. It was a long process and in many ways, I am still healing. 

When I love, I love for life, even when it becomes clear that we cannot/ should not live together any more.  I cannot stop loving.  I don't know how.  I don't want to. The heart is huge and there is alot of space for all of the different kinds of love and relationships that are out there.  I do not feel any pressure to be black or white on the issue.  It doesn't mean that I miss them, but when I think back on our time together, I want to feel a love and respect and a warm feeling in my soul.  I want to respect that in which I have invested my energy, soul, time and heart. Is that so wrong?

I woke up despite my body screaming to stay in bed and drove the kiddos to the train.  Was so tired that I went back to bed and slept until around 11 from several sms's and a phone call buzzing beside me.  I dragged myself out of bed and made myself a little lunch between checking my mail and such.

I helped Eva with her party, making the fruit salad, driving her to the store, helping her assemble her Ikea things.  That was really fun!  The party was lovely and the kids and I left around 9pm for home.

This was a weird day with regards to men.  I am not used to getting mail or sms's from men who are interested in me.  People might think that with my job, I get offers all the time.  I admit that I am perhaps a bit blind sometimes and do not pick up the signals and probably have missed opportunities just because I am so dumb, but for the most part, for the last 3 years my life has been quite lonely without so much as a proper date.

I'm not sure what is in the water right now.  Is it because we have had more press than usual?  Perhaps a bit of it is due to that, but today, I have gotten many mails and even sms's from strangers with such beautiful words being used to describe me.  I am not used to this at all and I am sure I am being tested.  Our love is being tested. 

One man came out to see the cabin I was renting out.  He was from jämtland with model good looks and the sweetest disposition.  He seriously looked like a movie star and at first he wanted to take the cabin.  This suited me fine...he seemed to be easy to get along with and responsible.  I was a little uncomfortable because he was so goodlooking..I don't know why...Should he be discriminated against because he is so goodlooking, I thought?  We had a lovely chat, but then at the last minute, he called and had gotten a first hand contract on something much better and I was thrilled that he had had such luck and I wished him well.  There was a weird silence when I wrapped up the conversation, as though he didn't want to hang up but I ignored it.  A couple of weeks has gone by and today, he sent me the most humble and beautifully written mail I have seen in a long time.  He said amazing things and at the end said that he had booked a table next week  at a specific time and place and really wished I would show up there to have dinner with him.

I was completely taken aback by this and was flattered to the core of me, but I wrote him back saying that I was involved with another and would not/could not meet him for dinner, but that he was a wonderful man who had really made my day with his beautiful mail.  3 months ago, I would have danced the jig and met him so happily for dinner, but in 2 months, my life has been turned upside down by the most incredible man I have ever met.  I have been like a lovesick dog, walking around in a fog from longing.  I am convinced that Lillen is gettting even more of this that I have gotten recently, but I don't dare to ask.  I can't bear knowing.  I am so naked and vulnerable that I would feel threatened and insecure and I am just better off not knowing.  Is strange how I can be on this end and be happy and flattered, but focused on that Lillen and I are building, yet horribly insecure over him receiving the same treatment.  I don't even want to bring it up.  Perhaps  he would feel just as threatened as I would.

I have seen this before.  You make a decision to go in a certain direction and it is like the Universe (or the devil) tests you to see if you are really serious about the choice that you have made or not.  How committed are you, really?

I am committed, but feel strange about the attention.  Is perhaps a good thing that I am tested...then I know for myself for sure that the road I am on is the road that I CHOOSE to go down and my commitment is more firmly established.  I don't know, but Lillen had a strange feeling that hit him today.  I almost wonder if he cosmically knew that I would be tested today?  Most of the sms's and mails happened after he experienced that, so I didn't understand at the time or put two and two together. 

At the end of the day, I am where I still want to be.  I have passed my tests.  I am still longing for tomorrow when I lay my head of his chest and come home where I am safe and loved and where I want to be.    I am very much in love with Lillen...No question about it.  Will not be able to sleep tonight until he calls and says good night to me.  I could really use hearing his voice.

It's tough being a kid.  I remember.  You have to get up early regardless of what kind of temperment you have.  You have to go to school and deal with people you don't like and environments you have absolutely no control over whatsoever.  That really sucks.  I remember feeling like a slave to all of the grownup's whims and moods and being very aware of the fact I was at the mercy of such whims.  I longed to be a grownup and have control over my life and today, I am very glad to be there.  Being a kid sucks.  Not having control over your life sucks. 

Then there were the nightmares.  Strange older men chasing me, chasing me, almost hunting me.  It was the same dream over and over again and I did feel hunted.  I only felt safe within my family, but everyone else was out to get me and hurt me.  Even the ones trying to be kind to me, I saw them as predators.  The lines between the good people and bad people were really blurred, so I felt safer assuming that none of them could be trusted.

Even now, the lines are blurred for me.  I do my best to listen to my gut, but I can never be sure about people's intentions.  I go in to friendships with an open mind, but the least little sign of not being loyal, I shut down like  mussel. 

Something related, but at the same time, NOT....

I have had 2 guys within a year COMPLETELY freak out over not being able to reach me when they wanted to.  I mean, just wig out on the phone when I have not made any commitment to them whatsoever!  Unless I commit to you, you have no right to ask me questions or get upset when you can't find me.  I don't owe you anything.  When this happened (TWICE!!!), I stopped being interested directly. This idea that you have to own the person you are interested in...this swedish notion that if you have a couple of dinners together, you are suddenly joined at the hip is ludicrous to me.   It wasn't my fault you fell in love.  It wasn't my fault you didn't know the rules.  It wasn't my fault you didn't listen to me.

On the other hand, NOW, I have made a bonified commitment to Lillen.  Now, I care too much to make him worry.   Now, there is nothing I would consciously do to make him insecure.  I have promised to be a good steward over what God has given us and I am resolved to do whatever I can to make it work.  I wouldn't dream of disappearing and making him wonder if I am ok, but I have clearly and distinctly discussed this with him and there were no gray lines.

But back to why it sucks being a kid...

Though it is tough to make ends meet sometimes and tough to try to hold everything together, I still would rather be a grownup any day of the week than to be a kid again.  When I was a kid, you got hit for doing things wrong.  There was a time when I was around 6-8 years old that I remember getting hit every day.  I was 16 the last time my mother hit me and she didn't just hit me, she poured 2 liters of warm iced tea over my head and dared me to react.  I wanted to hurt her....really bad, but I didn't.  There was an inbuilt respect that I could not cross over.  But I was on the edge that day.  I came very close to hitting her back.. Very close!  Oh so many times I hated her for hitting me.  She would be shocked and probably devastated to know how much I hated her every time she hit me.  Love and hitting has never made sense to me though I have been struck as an adult by 3 of my 6 boyfriends.  There were times as a child that I deserved to be punished, but I am sure there were times when my mother was just really stressed out and I was there, annoying her and really didn't deserve getting hit.  We got hit with wooden paddles and a metal ruler, but the worst is by far the switches.  Switches are tiny, very thin tree limbs that make a swoosh sound and when you get hit with that, it goes so fast and feels like needles sticking you at record speed.  Afterwards, you have the telltale lines all over your legs.  The very worst part about switches is that the adults, like the worst kind of psychological warfare, made you go out and pick your own and if it wasn't a good one, meaning one that would hurt enough, then they would go out and pick a big one out for you and you would really regret it.

I feel pain in my stomach when I write this and I in no way, shape or form want to paint my mother to be the bad guy.  She was raised this way.  All of my friends were raised this way.  It was a part of our southern culture.  If you didn't hit your kids, you didn't love them.  My brother punishes his kids this way and there is nothing I can do about it.  I just thank God that I moved here and learned another way of doing things and today, I can't imagine hitting my kids this way.  Makes me want to cry just thinking about it.  My mother means everything to me and I have no questions about her love and devotion to me.

So between being just an allround geek, with very few friends, getting hit at home, hunted by men and being tall and skinny and ugly (according to the kids in school...I look back on those pictures and wonder why they said that.  I was actually an attractive child, but they told me so and I believed them.), you can understand why I still believe that being a kid sucks.

I hope my kids don't have that attitude.  I have tried anyway to make them happy....but I still have the dreams of being hunted by jealous lovers.  Why???

After getting the kids off to school, I went back to sleep for a couple of hours.  Was awakened by a couple of wonderful sms's from L and one from Eva, saying that she was leaving her job on her way to me.  We went to Kungens Kurva, first to ElGiganten to look at washing machines, of course...MY GOD they are expensive.. and then we moved on to Ikea where we looked at everything.  I took several pictures and sent them to L to see what he thought.  He liked my ideas and had several good ones of his own.  I love fantisizing about our future together!  I love his enthusiasm over our future together!

The air was heavy from missing him today.  I have walked around in a haze all day.  Not really myself.  A very real pain in my chest from his absence.  Eva saw it directly and wondered if that was what it was.  How can a person take such a hold over you so quickly?  Just a month ago, I was going in another direction, with another guy and after one night with Lillen, everything changed.  I realised that I had come home.  Any other man or path I was on seemed utterly unthinkable and rediculous to begin with.  That has never happened to me before, but I have been so incredibly sure of our path since that day and I will never look back again.    It has been crystal clear.  There is no other alternative for me...not even the slightest doubt.  Lillen is my future and I am his. Period.

It is so strange to be so sure.  I usually always doubt myself and my choices, even if I do make decisions and stick by them, I always have a wait and see attitude about them, but now suddenly everything is different.  From our music taste and songs which mean something to us, to our experiences, to the roles we play in our bands, to our obsession with the clock and timliness, to how we react physically with one another, it is clear that our souls have intertwined before.  No question about it.

But this aching sadness from his absence has to stop.  It is burning a hole in my heart and I really am not feeling well about it.  I should be thankful to have found what I have found, but finding it and not having access to it is breaking my heart.  I am grateful for Sunday Bliss, but I am not really satisfied with it.  It's just to "bita ihop", I guess.  I half-jokingly ask him if he has gotten fired yet from his job and he always says no, unfortunately. 

Will probably go to bed early when the kids do.  I can't bear too many hours of this longing.

The oasis that was my bedroom just a few hours ago feels suddenly like the sahara desert.  It was big and empty and sad and seemed meaningless all of a sudden.  Is no fun to sleep without him. No fun at all.  Wonder how he is feeling and what he thought about just before he fell asleep? 

Was hard to get up.  Felt like I could have slept another 4 hours, but the kids needed to go to school and things had to get done.  I might just go back and lie down again.  Have folded clothes and eaten my bacon and eggs and practised in front of the mirror, trying to find my angles for the kamera.  I think about my clothes and the accessories I will have with them.  I torture my friends and especially Lillen on what I should have on me.  I ask him mostly because I don't want him to be shocked by what I have in mind or embarrassed.  I think artistically more than with taste often and put clothes together in a weird way which can shock people and be very anti-lagom.  I am taking a risk with the dress I have in mind for Kampen and I really want to get it right. 

Am looking around at my house and am longing to paint.  I have several empty canvases, but they are small.  I like to work with large ones, but maybe I'll give it a whirl anyway. 

There is a dead plant in the window.  I have looked at it for 3 weeks and have not thrown it out.  WHY??!!

I actually think I will go back to bed for a little while until it is time to go shopping with Eva.

Around 1:30am, Ted generously helped me with my bags to his very luxurious car and the 5 of us rode staright to stockholm.  I was extremely alert and couldn't wait to hop in my car and go to Strängnäs in order to pick up L and bring him home.  We 5 spoke all they way home from Borlänge, in english even (which was nice because I was quite tired and appreciated not having to think so hard).  They heard me whispering like a silly little lovesick girl to L on the phone in the backseat and though they did their best to be discreet and not listen, it was unavoidable and I ended up reciting the entire story on how we met and how we had been just friends and then suddenly everything changed when I came back from vacation.  I explained my guilt  over life working out like that, but I had to be and was true to myself and honest towards my feelings and that I will never regret.

We made it to my car and after banging my head on the trunk door (have a major bruise on my forehead which I think L hit about 1000 times every time he kissed me), I piled everything in and got on the road towards Strängnäs.  I took a few minutes and called Jim to see how he and his son were doing.  Their meeting was a success and though he was shaken, he appreciated that I cared enough to check on him and he spoke softly and tenderly on the telephone, so I think he is relaxing more and that's really good.  It was a short call.  The roads were a little icey and I really wanted to concentrate on the road.  He said that his day reminded him of sweden...gray and dark.  I remember now that he was here in october.  He thanked me for a 4th time for calling to check on him and told me for the 6th time to be careful driving at night. 

I arrived in Strängnäs pretty quickly, around 45 minutes.  I ran in to the hotel to go to the bathroom and when I looked in the mirror, I had my stage makeup still on, except that it was 5am and I looked like a tired prostitute.  I quickly washed my face and brushed my teeth, ran my fingers through my dreadlocked hair and went to the reception.  L is there with his brother.  They are to say the least, pretty happy and clearly enjoying each other's company.  There is alot of talk about maps, which I do not understand right then and then suddenly I see Claes, the singer in Larz Kristerz and a girl coming in to the reception.  The LK singer looked like a hilarious charactor on TV, the kind you fall in love with, but he is really that funny and charming in person as well!!  He had half of his shirt hanging out, was obviously drunk, but in the cutest sort of way.  He looks at me and says, "Oh, it's you!"  Yes, it's me, I say and I laugh.  I say Congradulations and hug him and then he says, You're the singer in Zlips!  I just laugh.  I hug Claes and shake the woman's hand and the LK-singer asks me why I am there?  I kiss L on the cheek and nod towards him.  Everyone understands.  Lillen, very matter of factly, informs me that we are takling his brother back to his hotel.  Ok, Great, I think.  Will give me a chance to meet someone in the family L holds so dear to his heart.  His brother looked very tough and stylish in a disarming way.  I looked him up and down and tried to get an understanding of what he was trying to say with his look.  It said, I'm cool and hip, but not trendy.  I'm really a softy deep down, so I will look a little hard so you don't even try to expose that side of me.  I saw this directly and was charmed by his sensitivity.  We rode towards his hotel.  Before leaving, he says take care of yourself and take care of my brother.  I promise, I say and my heart melted for their obvious devotion to one another.

Then...we were off.  We spoke excitedly the whole way home and suddenly, we were there.  He was hungry so we ate eggs and bacon and of course a glass of wine.  The time, 6 am and the glass of wine knocked me out right away and apparently him too, so we retired to bed directly.

We woke up7 hours later and I was in a REALLY good mood!  Very unlike me in the mornings.  I felt silly and teased him endlessly and he searched my eyes constantly to see where I was and where I was going.  What was I feeling? What was I saying?  He watches me like a child who wants to learn all that he can.  A human sponge.  He listens and asks questions and I try to do the same, but mostly, I just enjoy teasing him.  I tease him endlessly about Kampen and how I plan to crush him that day and I even did my little victory dance that I had planned to dance when I kick his a***that day.  He grimaces with pain when I tease him this way because he is just as hungry to win as I am, but in the end, I know that he adores that part of me even if it  is a combo of "You horrible, cocky little b***and "I love that you are as hungry as I am and I respect your drive!".  We played there and laughed for hours until it was time to get up and buy some food.  I spoke to him without words, just different sparkles in my eyes, hoping that he would learn my language, so that regardless of where we are, he will be able to look at me and instantly know what I am thinking.  I love this type of non-verbal speaking and I want to quickly establish that with him.  So I looked at him in so many ways, hoping he would hear my "voice"...and he did...

When we finally drug ourselves out of bed, we realised that we needed food and I was so excited to go outside during the first snow and since it was snowing outside,  we naturally decided to grill.  He wanted to make a stuffed chicken breast with cheese and sundried tomatoes and I made rosemary potatoes and a spinach salad with chevre and grapes.  It was an AMAZING dinner and it was done just in time to watch the repris.  We ate on the carpet in front of the tv and I didn't even ask him to move his red wine from my carpet, though I admit to flinching when I saw it, but I had mine there too and guess what?  No one spilled, at least not until I took it in the bedroom later and spilled it and broke the glass, but that was no problem...no sheets were ruined;-).  Scotts did a remarkable job! ...of course. 

Next was the jacuzzi.  Was nice and still and very quiet.  We got out when it became impossible to breathe and lied on the couch and tried to watch a movie.  We were exhausted by 10 pm and both of us fell asleep on the couch.  Is there anything so beautiful as falling asleep on the couch with your man on a sunday afternoon in front of the tv???  This may sound boring, but Our sunday is holy.  The mundane feels like the nicest of holidays!  If last sunday was the best I could ever remember, this one beat it out by a million. How is it possible to enjoy a human being as much as I enjoy him?  I never tire of him.  Never get bored with him.  Never want to stop staring at him.  Never want to stop being with him...ever.--and I only get annoyed when he takes my ideas and then succeeds with them, making me look like the ultimate copycat....lucky that I am too in love to kick his a***for that.  I can not promise that he will not receive an a***whooping in 5 years for the same thing!;-)

Sunday and monday flew by so quickly and no one could make it go slower, though we tried    We decided to book his trip a little later so that he could meet the kids before he went home.  We met them and ate dinner together.  The kids seemed to like him directly and they flowed very naturally, so he must have put them at ease.  When we left him at the train, I tried to be brave, but it killed me inside to watch him leave.  The kids were freezing so I tried to make it quick and painless, but painless it wasn't.  In the car on the way home, the kids had tons of questions and comments about him.  He looks different on Tv than in real life.  Would you like to marry him someday?  Will Robban get jealous when he finds out about him?  Tons of questions and I answered all of them the best I could.  In the end, the kids were thrilled to know him and very positive about us being together and that is what means the most!

So now he is gone.  Reality is back.  I keep on saying how much I like reality, but the truth is, right now I want my dream back, but my dream has just arrived in Lidköping and it will be several more days before I am in that wonderful space and time again. 

My heart is full and broken at the same time.  How can that be?

Am a little bored on the bus.  I can't sleep and I can't seem to keep myself busy enough.  Is too early to call Jim.  I really must call him today and see how he is.

Have noticed that I am thirsty as hell this weekend.  I haven't had any alcohol and yet I just can't seem to get enough water in me.  We usually have plenty on the bus, but not today and I have slept through all of our stops at gas stations and haven't bought any either.

Have had several exchanges with L today.  He seems happy and focused on what he is doing, though he says he is focused on me.  He is so strong.  His feet are so firmly planted on the ground.

Per is sitting and reading his book quietly and Matts is driving the bus.  We seem to be in rondel-hell.  Jeez... is a rondel, like every 50 meters!!!  Togge and Lars are sleeping.  Per is going through what I did 3 years ago.  He is carving out his place in the band in a non-threatening, charming way, but he is getting opposition, mostly from me.  I don't want to be difficult and God knows I have been in his spot, but I have to say what I think and I do it in a very manly, finesseless way.  I realise that I could have been better at explaining myself AFTER the stupid words have left my tongue.  For example, I am encouraging him to come with new songs that HE wants to sing, but the one he really liked he played for me and I just said, I will not sing that song.  Blender has done.  Not happening....eh, but it was a really good suggestion.  He looks at me like I have just kicked all of the air out of him and I then feel like crap.  I hug him and kiss him on the cheek and try to fix it, but the damage is done.  He has ideas fo rthe clothes also that I do not agree with at all and I feel so strongly about it that I am not just saying, whatever...do what you want!  Sometimes I really don't have that strong of an opinion, but in light of Dansbandskampen, if I feel strongly about it, I will make my voice heard.  I am trying to be better at explaining myself.  He doesn't seem hurt, but he has gotten alot of No's from me in a short period of time and that cannot be so encouraging for him.  Will have to chat with him again and give his ideas more of a chance.  We only have two weeks left before we are on TV and I am stressed about risk taking this late in the game.  At least we are in agreement on the Plan B and C and that I am happy for.

Have just pulled into Folketshus.  14 more hours until I see my baby.  Will go quickly I am sure.

By far, one of the fall's BEST evenings.  I had a feeling that it was going to be good.  People wrote in to Dansmaffian like crazy and I had high expectations.  Am playing around with my look a little for Dansbandskampen and put together something very rocky for last night's gig.  I got tons of compliments for it and it was nice to feel a little hot for once!  The feeling was electric adnd they applauded even before we played a tone.  That means soooo much!  I wanted them to feel appreciated and know that we do not take for granted the fact that they drive so far and pay alot of money to come to us.  I hope they felt our love because we surely had it for them.

Backstage instead of just the usual candy, they set up a fruit basket and that meant the world to me!  I thanked them graciously for it and they mentioned that Du Är Vad Du Äter made them rethink the candy thing.  This made me feel so warm inside!!  Think if everyone did that!!!

I am a little hoarse last night due to bad technique.  Will have to shape up tonight!  We are headed to Borlänge and I love Borlänge!!  Great audiences, nice personnel and fun to talk on the radio!  Is a real blast!

Tonight after the gig, I head directly to Strängnäs and pick him up for more Sunday Bliss!  Can't wait!  The minutes are going slowly and quickly at the same time.

Wonder how they will do tonight.  Is tough to speculate.  Must remember to shave my legs!!!

It's a long bus ride, ca. 45 minutes to Bromma flygplats from the pendeltåg.  Plenty of time to surf a while until I am arrive.  I woke up at 6am, but now I realise that it would have been much smarter to get up at 5:30.  I will only have about 10 minutes to get checked in and through security before it is time to board.

Was boring at home without the kids.  I tried to watch The English Patient, but got really sleepy after 2 glasses of wine and snoozed on the couch, where I had planned to sleep that night.  L called me and I woke up enough to feel warm in my stomach and explain to him that I was too lonely to go to bed alone.  I realised how pathetic that sounded, I mean, COME ON!!!  I am a 36 year old woman who doesn't want to go to bed without her kids or her man in the house!!  So when I hung up with him, I went to bed and slept like a grown up.  I didn't have such grown up feelings though.

The house is reasonably clean and it feels good to not come home to chaos again.  Will be very late when I do come home saturday night/sunday morning.  Plan to go straight from Borlänge to Strängnäs.  We won't be home until 6am, I guess.  Whew!  Will have to drink lots of coffee to pull that off!

Am really looking forward to seeing him.  Was a much better week this week, but it is not over yet.  2 more days, just 2 more days!!!

Will have to remember to call Jim today and find out how he/they are.  Am really worried about him. 

Feels nice.  I must have needed the rest, otherwise I am way too antsy to stay in one place too long and do nothing.

The kids decided to go to their dad's house tonight instead of tomorrow because they didn't want to have to get up so early so that I could catch my flight on time.  I really get that, but I will be lonesome tonight.  Just called Andreas to see if he wanted to work on this song we've been talking about for a while.  He didn't answer..probably working.  Otherwise, I have a had a very productive day.

My best girl Elin invited me over to her house for a washing party and I took 2 giant ikea bags, plus 2 giant Ikea laundry baskets and loaded up the car.  Man, she's sweet!  We talked and laughed and folded and hanged and ate our fika and had a marvelous time together.   I love my friends.  They are just sooo there for me!  Thanks Kitten!

So I got home and saw the train wreck that was my house and decided that I was not coming home to this 2 weekends in a row.  I started with organising all of the clothes, cleaned the bathroom with bleach (not so good...can feel it in my lungs), cleaned the kitchen and even oiled the walnut in there.  It's been bugging me a while to do that.  I changed my bed sheets because my sweetheart is coming after the saturday night usual and I hated last week that he got the reject sheets because everything was dirty, so this week my darling will sleep like a king.  The jacuzzi is now filled up with water and new-chlor-ed..the only thing I forgot was to buy new vacuum bags, so the floors are still crappy.  We'll hope he packed socks, but there is new-bought wine.  We'll hope that he will be tipsy enough not to notice how crappy the floor looks.

He called.  Made me so happy.  Love how he prioritises us.

Spoke with Kevin AND Jim last night.  My two oldest friends from the US.  They are also aquaintances of each other, but usually hear about the other one from me, despite the fact that they both live in atlanta.  Kevin could barely talk, but he was veerrrrrryyyyy curious about how things were going with Lillen, if he "..was continuing to get my attention....(chuckle chuckle)".  Yes, I promised.  He very much had my attention.  All of it, as a matter of fact.  This made him happy.  He has watched me from a distance and heard, guided and coached through every breakup since I was 14 years old.  He is nearing 50 now!  WOW!!!  ...but he is still looking hot!  He sent a pic of he and his kids and he looks absolutely gorgeous still!  One of my very best friends!!!  Then there is Jim.  My friend, playmate, and sometime lover for the past 23 years.  We never run out of things to talk about and have a nack for picking up right where we left off no matter how many years go by.  We try to communicate once a month, but sometimes don't manage it.  You might remember that he was here last year in October.  What a wonderful time we had together.  We cried like idiots when he went home.  I have planned with Gunilla to spend New Year's with him and I/ we are really looking forward to that!  She hung out with him when he was here last year.  He seemed relatively happy, but concerned for his 20-something year old son.  Very concerned.  I haven't had a chance to tell him about Lillen.  He was really upset and needed to talk. 

Is funny.  I have left him twice for another guy, simply because he never wanted to commit.  Now he is 44.  Still hasn't committed to anyone.  He wants to.  It just never works out..don't know why.  He has been there for me during every breakup and a friend to me when I was with another guy.  We have always been able to adjust to what life has thrown at us and kept some sort of relationship going the whole time.  He is a gift to me and I cannot imagine my life without him in it in some way, but as a boyfriend, you just want to hit your head through the wall because he can never decide anything.

...phone rang...was Andreas.  He couldn't work on the song tonight, but next tues or weds would work fine with him.  GREAT!

..anyway, I love Jim...always will.  Will call him tomorrow and find out how things went for his son today.  They had an important meeting and I send all of my prayers and positive vibes to him now.

You might notice that most of my friends are guys.  I grew up  with a brother, only boy cousins, and boy neighbors.  I learned early how to deal with them and have always felt more comfortable with them.  It was not until I had children that women became more and more a part of my life, so all of my old friends are men and my new friends are women.  I have a pretty good balance now.

What I wouldn't give to have L with me tonight.  We are so in sync that it is scary sometimes.  But soon, very soon, sunday will be here!!!

...it explains alot.  Explains the werewolf-like thoughts circulating in my head today.

Am fighting a winning battle over a guilty conscience for not working extra.   I need to rest and I am resting now.  Am very happy and content with my world.  I am where I am supposed to be and the conviction in my spirit keeps me from being nervous. 

I heard his voice today. Was nice.  Was comforting.  Was stimulating. ...werewolf thoughts swirled around about running out into the forest, never to be found again.  Just howling at the moon.  Am not really the flowery romantic type...like screaming at the moon instead.

I saw two swans on the lake as the sun came up.  Thought of him...of us, but that is about the most romantic thing you will ever get out of me.  Wonder how he experiences me?  If he cares if I am romantic or not.  Maybe he is a scream-at-the-moon type as well.  Sure seems like it anyway.  The jacuzzi could be interpreted as romantic, but I see it more as sensual and that is another ballgame.  Sensuality and romance are two very different things.  One who is sensual, is sensual all the time, with a partner or without.  One who is romantic, paints pictures of how things should be based on bullshit stories they've read or movies they've seen and I really don't buy it.  I don't buy it and it completely turns me off.  As I have stated before, reality is so much better.  I may be wrong in my thinking...am challenging myself as I am writing this as to whether I am thinking correctly or not.

What I do know is that he is so unbelievably beautiful, in any light, at any time of day.  I have become an insane woman and I am loving every minute of it and I am quite sure he is what I have waited for, for a very long time.

You know, I was very ashamed over not being prepared for Paul's birthday like I should have.  I REALLY felt like a loser!  Birthdays are not my thing.  I would forget mine.  My brother's is on the same day and I STILL have to put a reminder in my telephone.  Every year I have had to put reminders for my kid's birthdays because I just KNOW that I would screw it up! ...and I did!  But today I was out and about and found Paul a marvelous book that matched a series he has already at his father's house about dinosaurs and he was thrilled to get it.  He looked at it for hours and like it more and more.  I baked him a chocolate cake with walnuts, coconut and strawberries and the kids raved that it was the very best cake they had ever eaten.  "Think how happy daddy would be if he ate this?"As a child I would have like the professional cakes just because they looked pretty, but my kids are cooler than me and just want it to taste good.

It was a normal day at home, I picked them up and on the way home, one of the boys asked me if Scotts were a more successful band than Zlips.  Yes, I said, right now they are.  Then my other son said as if I had scripted it myself, " Well, mom, that's going to change the 6th of december, isn't it?"  Haha!!  Yes, my son, it will!  I laughed like crazy! 

We ate dinner, leftovers from yesterday (kanterellsoppa med chevre ost...mums).  Watched a little TV and the kids offered to rub my feet and shoulders.  Man, they are sweet!!!  Then it was time to go to bed.  Jake was on his way to the bathroom and then suddenly stopped and turned towards me and said the most marvelous thing!  "Mom, just so you know, I couldn't be prouder that you are my mom!"  I was stunned and speechless!  I called him to me and hugged him tightly and said that that means everything to me.  What made him say that?  I just felt it, he said.  We held each other a while and he went to brush his teeth.  I saw as his eyes turned to small slits, he usual look before he cries or is really tired.  He finished brushing teeth and I realised that he was crying.  I called him to me once more and asked why he was crying.  He said he didn't know, he just really loved me.  I sat  him on my lap and stroked his hair and kissed his teary cheeks and told him how much I love him and how he and his brother were the best things that had ever happened to me.  I probed again, tyring to find out if maybe something had happened.  Maybe he was hiding something else and felt safer expressing his love for me.  I pushed and asked him why he was proud of me and he said, Because you are you and you love us and take care of us and support us.  Then I started crying.  Me, who nearly forgot my own son's birthday!  I got nothing but thank you's for the book, the cake, for me just being me.  It was an extraordinary night.

I realise that I go on and on about my kids. I realise that every mother loves her kids, but I am truly amazed at the charactor and maturity that my kids show.  They are remarkably thoughtful and loving. Remarkably supportive. 

When my mother was single, I was not very warm to her suitors.  No one deserved my mother.  There was something wrong with all of them.  I did not make it easy for her and I was selfish of her and our threesome life that we had carved out for ourselves.  I spoke with Lillen on that and he said that he was the same with his mother and I wonder if it could be because our father's had disappointed us so?  Maybe we wanted to protect our mother's from more pain?  Maybe we wanted to protectourselves from the pain of abandonment again.  I can only speculate from from my own experience, but this is not the experience I have with my children.

They long for me to meet someone.  They long for my happiness.  Their only requirement is that they are nice to me and that they show a little interest in them.  "Maybe Lillen can teach me the drums??!!  Wow!  Maybe one day you could get married and then we would have a stepfather!  COOL!!!  Maybe he would like to hear me play guitar??!!"  I realise more and more that they really have a yearning to have a family unit with me.  Their father is happily remarried and I have not been able to keep it together with their father or with Robban.  It was only 3 months or so ago that Robban sat on my couch and poured his heart out on how much he loved the boys and felt like a father to them.  Jacob was around 2 years old and paul 4 when he and I got together.  Robban, no matter how disappointed he was with me, was always kind to my children.  He played with them, listened to them, helped them with their homework and I know that he loved them.  Received an sms just last weekend that he was very sad and missed us terribly.  It broke my heart, but it wasn't I who wanted to end it.  You can't give ultimatums like, "Your passion or me."  You just don't do that when you love someone. You don't put them down because you are jeaous of their success and you don't call them names or get violent and scare them from jealousy.  He knows that I have met someone else now and I am pretty sure he has too, but no one asks the other about it.  I just get the sporadic sms...maybe he is checking to see if the door is open.  I don't know.   Was a special relationship we had.  Very intense.  Very unhealthy.  Very fun sometimes.  Is comforting to have a bit more calm in the storm now with equally the same passion.  I thought you couldn't combine security and passion.  I think I have found it. 

Is nice to be able to exhale at last

I like Farsta Centrum.  It's big, has most anything you could want and most of it is indoors, so you don't freeze your tail off going from store to store.  I go there several times a week. Today, I needed a present for Paul.  We agreed to celebrate today, since I clearly blew it yesterday.  The only thing he was specific about was that he wanted a cake with chocolate icing, preferably a big American chocolate cake.  I couldn't find an American cake mix or a chocolate cake at the bakeries, so I bought two swedish chocolate cake mixes and some nuts to doctor it up and I'll give it a go a little later.  Baking is not my thing.  His present is a very ornate book about dinosaurs.  He has almost the whole series, but I don't think he has this one.  What a wonderful kid that just wants to read and draw and be creative.  No tv games or anything like that.  Such an amazing kid!

Have been putting off vacuuming and cleaning the floor in the guesthouse...WHY???  I can do it in 15 minutes, but I put it off and put it off, for no apparent reason other than the fact that I am just lazy.

It is official.  The washing machine is dead.  The semi-new may or may not get fixed this week, so I think I have no alternative than to buy a new when I get paid.  DAMN!!!  I hate buying crap like that when they are only 2 years old.  I paid 5000:- for it.  It was a floor model, so it was worth something like 7500:- and it worked brilliantly for 2 years and 3 months.  I don't dare buy another one on Blocket right now, so my best girl Elin has offered to help me get my crap washed (you should see the mountain of laundry in front of me).  I have no more cute panites which are clean!  How can you have a new boyfriend and no clean, cute panties...just shouldn't happen!  Good thing I only see him once a week at this point.  Am looooonging for the day I see him more!

So what's left on the list today... pay a bill, clean(!!!!), bake a cake, pick up the boys.  Guess I'll get started!

Am in the weekday grind now.  Up at 6:30, drive the kids in.  Come home tired, but not tired enough to sleep and there is total quiet in the house.

I miss Lillen.

In Du är vad du äter, I noticed that they did something with the film so that I would look more tired and less healthy.  I am very sure that I made myself up the exact same way every time, but they thought I looked a little too fresh and did what they needed to do.  It wasn't until half the show was over that my natural color came through and I looked healthy.  It feels like that when he is not around.  Life is grey and boring and then when he steps into the room, eveything is in color again.  I fell asleep early last night, around 10pm.  He got home a bit later and I slept through his sms.  A little while later he called me and I heard that time.  I was thrilled to hear his voice, but just worthless to try and talk to.  He had a really good day yesterday and I am thrilled for him and for them collectively.  I hate to say I told you so, but let's face it, I TOLD YOU SO!

So today the washing machine man is here...FOR A THIRD TIME!!!  Am going completely freaking nuts over this situation!!  I have clothes coming out of my ears!!!

Why do I have träningsvärk??? 

Think I'll lie on the couch and watch a little tv.  Haven't done that in a while, it seems.

Today, 12 years ago a beautiful little boy who we named Paul Joseph Williams was born in Marietta, Georgia at 2:22  in the morning.  I was in labor for 18 hours and pushed for 3 before the doctor gave up and took him by C-section.  I remember the anesthesiologist looking at me upside down and saying to me, "You're a pretty little thing!"  I was neither pretty nor little, but I swear that I love him to this day for saying that, right at that moment.  They pushed on me a bit like the exorcist and out came this perfect child, which they cleaned up, wrapped tightly in a blanket and brought to me upside down.  The entire room squealed with delight when he came out and they all said, "What a beautiful child!"  I don't know if they say that with everyone, but they seemed to mean it right then.  He was really perfect, 8lbs even and 21 inches long.  I don't know what that is in the metric system, but it's pretty damned perfect.  He had big hands and big feet and the cutest button nose that he still has today.  I now call it his upper class nose because it is turned slightly upward at the tip and he has a love for luxury like his mother. 

I dreamed while pregnant with him that he would look like his father.  I even prophesied that to everyone saying that God has shown me it was a boy and he was going to look like his father and follow a similar path as me, with similar giftings.  God showed me so clearly.  Of course, he and his family probably thought I was nuts.  They looked at me that way, anyway, but I knew that I knew that I knew...and there he was!

Now he is tall.  He still loves his mother.  He will still sit in my lap if I ask him to, even if his bony butt hurts and he is too tall and gangly for it to be comfortable, but I never tire of it.  He is kind and quiet. Thoughtful of other's feelings.  Is not selfish.  Is brilliant at drawing and anything artistic and music...he can play anything by ear.  He does well in school.  Hangs with the good boys at school.  His teachers love him.  He is flexible, gives me compliments and says he is proud of me and that I am a good mom, even when I make mistakes. 

Along with his brother, he is one of the greatest things that have ever happened to me.  He deserves a much better mother than I am, but I am eternally grateful to God that He placed this amazing child with me.

Am crying now.  My heart is spilling over with love, so I will end it here.

According to our new tradition, I picked him up 1 hour south of stockholm.  I was 2 hours late due to my missing my train.  This was not very popular with me...two hours less with my sweetheart..not cool, but in order to not be as obnoxious as I was feeling about it, I kept my mouth shut.  Shit happens, right?  It's just to roll with it.  Was still pissed, though...

He greeted me with the enthusiastic look in his eyes and the kiss that I had hoped for.  I had waited a whole week for that.  This week was a bit better.  I only had the agony, the horrific pain in my stomach from longing one day and not three as the week before.  The other days I miss him terribly, but I really don't like myself and the black feelings that come when the longing manifests itself physically as it did once this week and three times last week.  I will blame hormones for last week.

We stopped by the store to buy food and on the way out we see the evening newspapers and see something on the front page that say something to the effect of "Dansband och sina Sexlekar" or whatever.  We laughed out loud and said, "De borde bara veta..."  and then at the same time we looked at each other with panic in our eyes...What if our life stood there in black and white.  What a frightening thought!  We are like pit bulls over what we have and though neither of us have any reason to NOT go public, we enjoy what we have being between us.  I have asked several times about the blogg and if he is ok with what I say and how I say it.  There is much I keep to myself, but at the same time, it is cathartic to write about it and wonderful to go back and reread it.  He knows that I respect his thoughts and wishes.  We are two single adults with nothing keeping us from dating like anyone else.  Dating...what a stupid word.  We are not dating.  This is something quite different.  There is a comfort, however in being known enough to work fulltime with music, yet unknown enough that you can be human, make mistakes and no one is the wiser or even cares.  There is a lot of freedom in that and we in the world of dansband have been sheltered.  What happens usually stays between us and the rest of the world thinks we are too irrelevant to care about.  Now things are changing...

He wanted to watch the show.  Another one of our sunday rituals.  I teased him and said that he was lucky that I was in the same business, otherwise I would be annoyed to have to stop making out for a crap dansband tv show.  His eyes sparkle when I tease him.  He can look so hard sometimes with his glasses and I enjoy seeing him without.  His eyes curve upward in an almost feminine way and he looks softer.  Now he is starting to look soft even with his glasses and I like that.  We watched the show.  He was proud of himself and so was I.  I was also proud of SVT who had mixed the music better this week.  Was terrible last week!  He got a couple of phone calls.  Better than the last sundays...Maybe people realise that sundays are off limits now...;-)

So after the show, I went out to the jacuzzi, took off the top, poured in some green tea aroma therapy, lit candles, took out the mousserande and stripped off all of my clothes as though it were Christmas, My birthday and New Year's all at the same time!  It was dark out and the pitter patter of the rain on the plastic roof fell like the most beautiful music I had ever heard. I crept in to the water.  It was a hot 39 degrees and I was thrilled to be in the moment I had longed for.  But wait a minute...where the hell is he??!!  He's gone.  I call out to him.  No answer.  I remember that I had seen him walk around the side of the house, but then suddenly, he came back the other way.  When he kissed me, I realised he had been out to smoke.  So there we were, it was misty and you couldn't see clearly and he was so beautiful in that light.  His hair was soft and smelled nice and the swirling water mixed with wine was intoxicating to say the least.  It was a perfect moment.  Then I see someone coming from the garage.  It is my rental guest.  I am there, topless and the candles are everywhere.  My rental guest says simply, Hej Hej.  We say Hej Hej and he disappears to his cabin.  We just look at each other and smile.  He says that he is happy.  He says that it was the best day in his life.  I am inclined to agree with him.

After quite a while in the swirling water, we realise that we are in fact, pretty hungry and I feel when he touches me that his fingers have puckled like prunes.  I grab some towels and together we cook dinner in the nude.  What a wonderful thing! ...except of course, when the bacon spattered on him and burned him...poor thing!  I have no idea what time it was...Everytime I would ask him, he would simply say, Who Cares??  Right, Who cares?? I would answer, so whatever time it was, we had brunch.  Pytti panna, eggs, bacon, blueberry pancakes and red wine.  Perfect!  What a combination!  Was delicious for breakfast too.  Anna Skipper would surely have been proud! 

I slept with all the peace and tranquilty that a woman should feel after a day with the man she is in love with.  I slept long and hard and woke up 5 minutes before the alarm was set.  Was greeted with a kiss on the forehead and his wonderful smell next to me.

The Bible speaks of a "...peace that passes all understanding."  I really understand that now.  I really get it.

I droped him off in town so that he could film whatever needed to be filmed and I waved to the guys in the band and some Baluba people.  My hair was knotty from the chlorine and I must have looked like a wild woman.  I did brush my teeth, however and my clothes were semi clean. :-)  I left him and drove back home feeling very contented.  It wasn't until I got home that I realised he had left envelopes in the car, some gig clothes and a necklace...and they say that WOMEN leave things strategically!  I was worried that he might need them and called.  Earlier when we had watched the show together, I had said (half jokingly) that I hoped that he left the vests at home next week because I was sick of looking at them.  He looked at me a little hurt, so I tried to save it by asking if it was a trademark thing.  As a performer, I think it is very important to vary your look often and I honestly think they could take a little more chances with their clothes.  They look gorgeous, but it is the same thing every week.  I said it in a too direct, finesse-less way and I felt bad that I might have hurt him.  We moved on and forgot about it, but when I called to say that he had left a dressbag here, he just said that they were his vests and he wasn't going to wear them again.  I felt the pang of guilt in my stomach, but was secretly a little happy too.  I teased that I was going to hold them hostage so there wouldn't be any next week.  Seriously, what a good sport he is!  I showed him the dress I am planning to wear on the 6th of Dec.  He seemed to like it.  Called it a "nakenchock"  despite the fact that I will be completely covered.  It is a fabulous dress!

I miss him already, but the kids are coming soon and will soften the blow of lonliness.  Have missed them so much!

Two nights in the same place is kind of nice!  The next night was way more fun.  Wallman's had their tour show there as well and man, they were GREAT!  There was one girl especially named Evelina that just kicked a***and took names.  She came up with me later and sang some songs and we just synced and had a blast together.  She gave me so much energy.

At the same time, Dansbandskampen was under way and I wondered how things were going for Lillen and the boys.  I was not required to go onstage until after 10pm, so I went back to the room and watched the program.  I had a theory that it would be in Scotts interest to get bumped out of the show this week, not because they deserved it, it was the opposite, but because it would cause such an outrage given the bands they were up against and they would receive more press than if they were to win.  They could then rest up a while before they jury inevitably called them back for the finals.  But of course, they just drove over the competition and the rest is history.

I said goodnight to a slightly tipsy Lillen around 3:30 am when the bus drove out of range.  I can imagine that he is still asleep.

I am, however, on the train headed back to stockholm.  I missed my earlier train, so all of my glorious sunday plans have been pushed back two hours.  It's a d***shame. I am stingy over those two hours.  I am planning brunch.  My kids love this brunch.  It consists of pytti panna, eggs, bacon, and blueberry pancakes.  It is terrible for you, but mmm mmm mmmmmm, IT'S GOOD!!  Hope he likes it.  I'm sure he will.  I bought some sparkling wine to celebrate his victory (or defeat ) and am planning a relaxing afternoon in the jacuzzi.  It's been warming several days now and should be perfect!

Tomorrow my babies are coming back and we will do our usual thing.  Am looking forward to that!  Love normal.

Have not eaten very much this weekend.  Not a  good thing.

Am tired, but happy.

We played a nonstop with Jannez (love them) and Perikles (adore them) so you can imagine that I was looking forward to it quite a bit despite being so tired.  I rested in the afternoon while they were packing things up.  They are really wonderful for giving me the space to rest properly so I can do the very best job I can onstage.  It means the world to me and allows me to deliver the quality that I want to...or at least hope to.

Jannez was in a great mood and so were Pex and the boys.  Kjelle flirted and spexed and was his usual crazy self.  Lunkin was looking hot and Pex was happy and in love.  I swear I love my job!! How many people get to work with such amazing people??!!  They renovated the hall it it was a lot mor ecosy than it was last year.  Made a huge difference!  I loved the giant disco ball in the ceiling.  I swear I love disco balls!!  They make any place a happy place!

Nothing special happened, but people did recognise me from the show and were curious to speak with me.  My mind was somewhere else and all I wanted to do was talk to Lillen and share about his day.  There were a couple of people who waited patiently for me to get off the phone and I didn't.  This may seem rude, but my whole evening was devoted to my job and would have been so happy to speak with them after my phone call.  In my world, you don't diss your baby to be social.  Time is precious now.  Then again, I never tire of talking to him.  We end the calls only to get back to work or because I have fallen asleep on the phone. 

Private is private and family is family and public is public.  I share alot of my private time in this blogg and apparently on tv ;-), but there is so much more that is just mine and I hold it in my heart dearly.  Sundays are mine or ours, I should say.  Sundays are holy.  Sunday, is soon. :-)

I danced last night.  Had a marvelous time time.  I danced with a girl and we were just crazy on the dance floor.  She was awesome!  Then a guy invited me up, I think he said he was 29, cute little lammkött and he danced like a dream.  I clung to him fo rdear life.  My stomach turned like it was a roller coaster ride and if I let go I would surely fall to my death.  He had the music in him and I really enjoyed it!  Had a strong desire for human contact last night as well and dancing was just what the doctor ordered...will hold me until sunday, anyway. 

Tonight, we are in Lyksele.  WIll be here tomorrow also, so there will be a party tonight.  Can see what will happen.  We will end the show. I will drink one glass of wine and be terribly drunk and tired.  1/2 and hour later, I will creep into the buss, be so tired that I can barely speak, but will call him anyway and fall asleep on the phone as usual. 

I'm a good time, aren't I?

...and on my way up to Vemdalen.  A nonstop with Jannez and Pex and the boys.  You know that I love nonstops!  Maybe I'll even get a chance to dance a bit myself.

Was on the phone late last night, but I couldn't bear to hang up the phone.  I talk and talk until I nearly fall asleep on the phone.  Is probably rude that I do that, but I have no self control.  Got a great picture of Magnus's oven.  Is hilarious to me and a wonderful sign of friendship to recieve smses like that.  I love sharing in the mundane.

Not only have we made history, but I have personally been riding high!  I had a very successful day in the studio.  I was singing and cleaning and just feeling great before and now my babies will be home very soon.  Tomorrow, I will head out to Vemdalen...a CRAZY fun gig!  Then 2 nights in Lycksele.  NICE!  Then a little "me" time!  Can it get better?

I  think it just did.  Am still getting mail from Du är vad du äter.  Nice guys who want to get to know me better.  Very nince for the ego.  Not interested.  Am distracted enough to last me my whole life, but it IS good for the self-esteem.  Why didn't I do that show 3 years ago??!!  It sucks that I had to be alone so long...really wanted and needed a rebound, but never got it.  Now, I when life is going my way, they wanna make their voices known.  Strange.  Could be a test to see how focused I am, but I can pass this test with me eyes closed (or open, in this case).  I am very happy.

Time to pick up the kiddos!!

My heart is overflowing with joy.  Today, we have made history.  Today is the beginning of a new era.  I have never been prouder to be an American than what I am today!!!!

I have watched with frustration and sorrow how my country has dug a ditch so deep so that I feared we would never climb out of it.  Sometimes, I have felt so helpless and embarassed, but now that is all over.  Today, not only Americans have a reason to be hopeful, the whole world should have hope!

I feared I would never see the day a competent black man or woman would be elected as the president of the United States.  My and my fellow countrymen's dreams have today been filled and it is through tears of relief and gratitude that I write this today.

People cannot understand the horrific root racism has had on my country.  I grew up in the south.  I have seen the klan and I have seen the grotesque aftermath of a shameful past.  It sickens me.  You have no idea how sad I am when I see a svensk have the rebel flag around them in some way..as a flag, as an ornament or decoration.  YOu have no idea what you are doing.  You have no idea what it stands for.  It is themost offensive symbol and I am sure that you don't really understand what it implies.  I am sure if you were educated on it, that you would never allow the symbol to have a place in your culture.  It is disgusting!

But staying positive..

Hope is alive and well and I am positively jumping up and down with joy!  Obama is president!!  It's a new day!  Thank God!!!!!

I have it all!  Love, Hope, My children, Joy, God, My jobb, My health!

Am so unbelievably grateful!!!!

What else do you do on a monday night?  The kids are in bed.  You have all answered all of your mail.  I've got a fire going and am happy in my bathrobe.  Life is good.  Could only be better if I wasn't sleeping alone.  Me, who has HATED sleeping another person, has suddenly hated sleeping alone.  Have seriously gone years without the simplest desire to sleep with someone.  I ived with Roland a long time in separate bedrooms.  Robban was a nightmare to sleep with.  He was like a giant squid who snored and sometimes he was violent in his sleep.  I could wake up with bruises sometimes.  He needed lots of attention, lots of validation and I felt completely swallowed up by him and hated to sleep with him.  I threatened every day to kick him out and then finally, I got rid of the tv out of the bedroom and then he fell alseep on the couch every night because the tv was his sleeping pill.  I hope he is happy and doing well.  I sent him an sms a while ago and said the same thing.  He said that he was very sad and very unhappy and I felt sad and unhappy for him.  I miss sometimes little things about him.  He was my life for so long.  I feel very sad when I think about how it all went wrong.  When it was good it was very good.  When it was bad it was very bad.

I don't regret a stroke, though.  I learned alot and felt alot and there was no denying that I was alive during that time.  He needs a girl that is more passive than me.  One who won't challenge him as much and will make him her whole life.  He won't be happy otherwise.  On the other hand, she will find a semi loyal mate who is fun and uncomplicated.  I'm sure it won't be hard for him.  He deserves happiness and I couldn't be myself and make him happy at the same time.  Sometimes, it's just the way things play out. 

Now, I have come home.  Have more balance than I have ever had...and most importantly, no DRAMA!!  This whole make up break up bullshit is not my bag.  I'm too old for that now.  My heart just can't take it.  I got a sniff of that not so long ago.  It scared the hell out of me and I was not the same after that.  Just could not let myself feel after that.  Needed space.  Tempermental guys just do not turn me on anymore.  I want passion, but with a huge dose of maturity.  Am not afraid of feelings, but I am afraid of how nondiscriminantely they are thrown out there,  Like the idea of talking things out, discussions.  Have had enough drama to last me a while.

Finally, things are calm and normal.  You can be so used to drama that drama is normal.  Now, more and more, normal is normal.  I feel safe.  Feel like I can discuss whatever with him and he gets it...even tough subjects.  It was there he found me.  In the mind.  Is where he took my heart, through my brain...not through bells and whistles.  Just honest soul to soul discussions.  Was hard to know if it was just friendship or not.  All I knew was that he made me think.  Didn't think he was my type 

As long as I keep my self busy, it is only a whisper, but when I get quiet, It gets louder.  Wish he was here.  WIsh I could talk to him.  Am lonely as hell and wish my kids would hurry up and get home sp I could get a hug.  Have missed them too!  (PMS warning??)

A new washing machine guy  is coming tomorrow.  Am going nuts not being able to wash my clothes.  If this doesn't work I will have to buy another one PRONTO!!

What is he doing?  Does he miss me? 

Strange, the negative, odd reactions I have received since meeting him.  Only one has a right to be upset (or does he?) because I have been single a long time now and nothing has happened.  I have done my best to not make promises I couldn't keep.  In my two senarios, there has been something in my stomach that says NO.  Wait.  I have listened to that voice.  Others haven't listened to me.  Life is not always black and white.  Someone can be perfectly wonderful and not be right for me at the same time.  I must be able to say that they are wonderful, with real sincerity and not be expected to marry on the basis of that, but I have frankly gotten a bit of negative feedback, strange emails with down right nasty tones.  I hear through the grapevine, speculations and discussions taking place on my private life and of course, the discussions and questions are never directed to me personally.

My REAL friends will be happy for me.  Interesting how people can be comfortable with others in a certain roll or perhaps hear what they want to hear. 

Just got a call frm Abbe.  He saw the show and loved it.  What a wonderful man, Abbe!

Went directly from my train to stockholm to strängnäs and picked up Lillen from Dansbandskampen.  We drove home to him and arrived to a delicious home-made baked lasagne from his sister waiting outside his door.  Do nicer families exist???  We were both anxious to see his (their) performance, so we warmed up the lasagne on one big plate, grabbed 2 forks, some bubble water and ate on his bed while we checked out the computer.  Am sure that the food tasted better just because of that.  Is surreal to watch your friend on TV and eat dinner with him at the same time.  Must have been weird for my friends to see me.  Anyway, I was honest with him and told him that I was really worried that they would not make it last week, even if I had hoped the whole time.  I thought Mickey's and HIghlights had a really good shot.  I wasn't convinced that Cara Mia was a good song for them.  Would work well for them live, but I had hoped for a little more daring choice.  In the end, it is not my business and I have done a reasonably good job in keeping my opinions to myself.  Lillen may disagree, though...

Anyway, am thrilled that they did so well!  Called Andreas and checked on how he was doing.  Loved them too...God, how hard to be in this situation.  Right now I want to be there for my friends.  I didn't want Andreas to be sad.  He wasn't.  I asked him to be ready with a phone call and a bottle of wine if we go home after the first song and he promised.  I love my friends!  He also wanted to do our Hotell Nortull thing again and that made me really happy.  I told him that I was proud of him and he was gorgeous and really meant that! 

Woke up with a kiss on the forehead and a feeling of contentment before I headed home.  Now it's time for the old grind again.  Lot's of stuff to fix here, but right now, I think I'll watch Oprah and eat some chicken wings.

Life is good...

Weird day yesterday.  The gig was going well.  You know that I love Kindbergs!  Am a huge fan!  Looooong for the few days we can work a nonstop together.  I had a lot of energy in the beginning, but then, shortly after kl. 21:30, I started feeling sick in my stomach as though I were going to throw up.  My energy was gone and I felt a huge emptiness in my soul.  I don't know what happened to me.  It felt like I  could have fallen alseep onstage.  I excused myself quickly after the gig and lied down, spoke with Lillen about his night and got all of the play by play info.  He seemed to have felt a similar emptyness so we compared notes and marveled at how we felt the same thing at the same time.  Around 4 am, I went to sleep, just to be awokened at 5am that we had arrived to Togge's car.  I layed down in the back seat and woke up again at kl. 07:30...found my favorite wooden bench at H-dik train station and set my alarm for kl.08:50 so that I wouldn't miss my train.  So here I am, on the train, tired as hell and sleep deprived.  Am a little hungry too.

Am going to meet Lillen today.  Will be wonderful to see him.  Will meet him with giant bags under my eyes, no makeup on and no energy. 

There is snow on the ground here in H-dik.  Feels so early for such weather, but clearly it is not.  There is nothing cleaner than snow on the ground and a clear, blue sky!

So much positive feedback from the show!  People slipped me notes, gave me presents, I got strange/flattering sms from nowhere (don't like that nearly as much..have a thing about people getting my number from other ways..You should never call unless the person actually gives you their number, I think...but as far as I know, they weren't stalker types.).  Lillen got a similar sms yesterday as well. Neither of us are used to being quite so public and it is fun to compare notes.  For example, I asked when I suddenly had suitors emailing me for dates, I asked him if he had gotten those as well and he had and he was so excited when he got the sms!  I said, How Weird!!!!  Me Too!!!  ...and we laughed about it together.

Here is an example of an sms I received.  Thought it was very sweet!

"Hej Melissa.  Först och främst vill jag be om ursäkt för att jag messar dig.  Kommer inte att göra det igen.  Såg dig i tv i veckan i "du är vad du äter" o du var fantastisk.  Så mycket kvinna på en o samma gång har jag aldrig sett förut.  Du var som em bomb som slog ner i mitt vardagsrum.  Förlåt igen.  Du får ta detta med all den glädje du visade o se det som en komplimång."

Now how could you get pissed off over that?  I was napping and crazy tired when that came and I was very flattered.  He respectfully went over the boundaries, if you know what I mean.  I thanked him and that was the end of that.

Really, REALLY need some sleep!

After an early flight and a loooong a***trip,  I woke up in Hällnäs without any täckning for my telephone OR computer.  This, understandably, made me nervous :-) and I ate a little chicken and went in for sound check.  The guys are very kind and let me sleep when my body needs it and they never pressure me to get up anyway and help with the stuff.  I really don't mind it, but I am usually up really early trying to reach them in time and I need that afternoon siesta.  My voice and health is dependent on it.  Hällnäs is a wonderful place with warm, friendly people.  I love being there.  The audience is nice and dressed up in their halloween costumes and the food is great!  Not much else to say about that, but is was great.  A little small coughing, but otherwise the voice was in good shape. 

There was a guy at the foot of the stage who stared at me and gave me wonderful compliments and called me an amazon, so I knew he had seen the program the night before.  Jeez...how long will I have to hear the amazon thing!!  Strange how people seem to see you differently once you have been on TV.  Have also been surprised by the emails I have received from single, nondancing men asking me out on dates.  Flattering, but not interested.  I admire however their initiative.  I would have never done that.

When it comes to men, I am usually passive, hoping they will take the initiative.  If I want it bad enough, (just happened the one time and he was not interested) I will make a move.  Otherwise, once the initial contact is made, I don't mind at all taking the initiative.  I am not one of those women who would propose to man.  Never in life.  I know my place and my place is to be adored and pursued and that kind of feminism is just not my bag.  I might suggest moving together...making sure we go the next step, but marriage and engagement...Forget it.

We are parked outside of Ö-viks folketshus.  We play with Kindbergs tonight.  I LOOOOOOVVVVEEEEE Kindbergs!!!  Too bad there isn' t a third band so I can play with them a bit.

Interesting to see what happens in Dansbandskampen tonight!  I am rooting for Scotts and Highlights, but Mickey's may take more place than what I thought.  They are a good band, good stämsång, colorful and Mia is funny and very charming.  It could go alot of different directions tonight!

1 more day...

I love watching my friends do well.  I really love my life!